3:9:26 
2025-01-05 
261
Sometimes our children’s strong emotions are triggered by unmet basic needs, or needs they can’t verbalize. Most parents focus on physical needs like sleep, food, and routine. But we often overlook their deeper needs:
* Knowing that their parents love them, care for them, and care about their happiness. (worthiness, security, self-esteem).
* Feeling seen, known, accepted, and truly valued—even the (shameful) aspects like anger, jealousy, pettiness, and greed. (unconditional love).
* Staying connected to each parent during regular, purposeless times of relaxation,
fun, and reassurance. (intimacy, belonging).
* Navigating difficult, everyday emotions. (emotional wholeness, self-acceptance).
* Mastering new skills. (mastery, independence, self-confidence).
* Acting on one’s impulses to influence the world. (freedom of will, control).
* Contributing (value, meaning).
Children can’t name these needs, but when they go unmet, they don’t grow up happy. They seem unhappy, uncooperative, and greedy. Nothing seems good enough for them. So, they keep demanding more and more. More time before bed. More candy than their siblings. More material possessions. But more of what we don’t really need in the first place can never satisfy our deepest desires.
Fortunately, our children tell us when their needs aren’t being met. In fact, all “bad behavior” is your child’s cry for help, alerting you to unmet needs or conflicting feelings. If you listen to your child and let her know that you take her needs seriously, she’ll relax before your eyes and not feel the need to fight to get her needs met. She’ll feel what we all feel when our needs are met: relief, happiness, openness, and gratitude. That’s when children become willing to cooperate.
When children are desperate to convince us that their needs are legitimate, they complain. They turn everything into a power struggle, or act indifferent or stubborn. We often call this behavior “bad,” but we can also call it a dysfunctional childish strategy to meet a child’s legitimate needs.
Does this mean there’s no need to be upset? You probably can’t avoid upsetting. But changing your upset will make you more effective at changing your child’s behavior. Remind yourself that your child is just trying to meet a human need, and that your help is needed to find a better way for them to meet that need.
Of course, not all wants are needs, but when we meet our children’s deeper needs to be seen, valued, and connected, they become happier and more cooperative, and they can manage their disappointment when we say no to fleeting desires that they think will make them happy. These desires aren’t actual needs: they’re strategies for meeting needs. A little attention from you can meet your child’s need for sweetness much better than candy.
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