Humans are born curious because learning increases their chances of survival. For the same reason, humans are designed to pursue goals, because “chasing” rewards stimulates dopamine production in the brain. So young humans are naturally masters, which means they explore, learn, practice, and enjoy getting better at things. Parents sometimes tell me that their child is lazy or unmotivated, but I don’t believe there is such a thing as a “lazy child.” In a short conversation, one or more deeper reasons for a child’s lack of enthusiasm are usually revealed:

* The child is struggling with learning.

* The child is expected to do something that he or she doesn’t find enjoyable at all, but is forced to do it.

* The child is caught in a power struggle with his or her parents, and resists in every way possible.

* The child has lost touch with his or her parents, and is trapped in the orbit of peers, who discourage him or her from learning or other parental goals.

* The child is depressed.

* The child is a perfectionist, anxious, or afraid of making mistakes.

* The family doesn’t value and discourages the child’s natural interests (for example, a passion for sports isn’t appreciated in a bookish family, or vice versa).

In any of these cases, our three big ideas—self-regulation, connection, and coaching, not controlling—will help moms and dads support their children to find a solution that works for everyone. The first step is for parents to unpack their own anxiety (self-regulation) so that they can stop adding to the stress their child is already feeling. Connecting will always allow the child to begin to process their discomfort with the issue, and will likely provide the motivation to pursue goals that are important to the parent, such as doing well in school. Coaching, not controlling, will help parents support the child in exploring their own interests. If a child is asked to master something that doesn’t come naturally to them and is non-negotiable—such as schoolwork—the mother will often have to think outside the box about what her child needs to come up with a creative solution to a difficult situation.

Consider how we might support a difficult child to develop academic proficiency. Henry was always too much—more active, more energetic, more demanding, more challenging. His parents joked that his mind didn’t work like other kids’—that he had a few extra flashes of light inside him. It seemed impossible to keep him on track with tasks. But Henry was also kind and caring, so his kindergarten teacher found herself fascinated by him despite his tendency to run around the hall and forget what she asked the kids to do. However, his first-grade teacher soon became frustrated and suggested that Henry be evaluated for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). Henry’s parents decided to postpone the medication his doctor had recommended and instead work intensively with Henry at home for a year. His father, Sean, also had ADHD, which had led to a series of school experiences that undermined his innate love of learning. Sean happened to be between jobs at the time, so he decided to take advantage of the opportunity to dedicate himself to homeschooling Henry for the rest of the year while simultaneously coaching him on how to deal with his ADHD symptoms.

Sean initially focused on strengthening his connection with Henry through rough play, hugging, and empathy when his child was upset. This gave Henry the motivation to please his father by making the effort to focus on studying. Sean sat with Henry to teach him how to read and do math, following his son’s lead, cheering him on, and coaching him whenever he stumbled. After reading that many children with ADHD are kinesthetic learners who struggle with the auditory and visual methods typical of classrooms, Sean encouraged Henry to move around while learning. Henry discovered that when he jumped rope while spelling letters or adding numbers together, he remembered better. They also experimented with different structures and tools until Henry became more comfortable organizing himself, and even working independently at times.

Shawn noticed that Henry was particularly excited about engineering and construction projects. It was as if he was motivated to work on them that made him more patient and careful. So Shawn kept their academic work focused on those projects, using them to teach math, reading, and history. He found a way to tap into Henry’s drive for mastery, and they were both rewarded by seeing Henry’s academic skills rise above grade level.

Shawn also experimented with other ways to support Henry in managing himself. He found a center that offered biofeedback and video games to develop Henry’s attention skills, as well as a counselor to train Henry in social skills. To give Henry more experience learning social rules, Shawn enrolled him in several small sports teams and classes. Henry learned that daily, active outdoor play was essential to his journey to coming to terms with his nature.

While searching for strategies to help his son focus and organize himself, Sean stumbled upon new studies that suggested that some children’s ADHD symptoms could be dramatically improved with a change in diet. Over the course of several months of trying the diets, Henry’s impulsiveness and outbursts decreased, and his frenetic activity level diminished, but it did not disappear. Perhaps most important, Sean framed his son in a positive light, viewing him as creative, enthusiastic, energetic, and persistent. Henry’s difficulty concentrating did not disappear overnight, and he remained hyperactive. Sean saw the same behaviors that had often frustrated Henry’s teachers. But by the time Henry reached third grade, he was ready for the new school his parents had chosen, one that welcomed him and seemed to support his learning style. His parents continued to be heavily involved in his schoolwork, but Henry had learned to manage his ADHD symptoms, and so he was able to learn alongside other kids his age. Henry was on his way to mastery because he had learned to manage himself. The good news is that Sean’s hard work not only helped his son cope with the demands of school and enjoy learning, it created the foundation for a father-son bond that would last a lifetime.