What if you have a child who doesn’t seem eager to connect? Children with autism spectrum disorder or sensory processing issues are a prime example. These children want to connect, and you just have to get creative in finding the right ways to connect. If this describes your child, I urge you not to give up on seeking connection. Pay close attention to how your child responds, and adjust your attempts accordingly.

What about children who are simply difficult? The child who seems to be trying to push you away by screaming, sticking their fingers in your nose, and spitting on you? Believe it or not, these children want closeness, too. The truth is, the key to calming their difficult behavior is actually more connection, not less. Let’s look at how this works.

When Jonathan was thirteen months old, he started to cry constantly. He would wake up crying, and he would be in a bad mood all day. He would scream if his mom changed his diaper or his dad picked him up to get him away from the TV with a determination that was not easily distracted. He refused to be carried in a sling, but insisted on being carried and held on his waist most of the time. There he would pull her hair, or stick his fingers in her nose, or scream in her ear, and when his mother, Brooke, tried to get any housework done, Jonathan would go ahead and rip books off the shelves and throw them away, or empty every closet he could reach. He would stare at her while he beat the dog, or take off his “diaper,” and peed on the floor. Brooke felt that there was definitely something wrong with what she was doing as a mother. Brooke began to take care of herself—which is always our first responsibility as caregivers. She began taking Jonathan out every morning so she could meet other parents and children. When his whining subsided, she realized that he must have been bored at home with her all day. She also worked on her own tendency to engage in power struggles. With her toddler, she reflected on how her parents had forced her to comply with their wishes even in things that in retrospect seemed trivial. She decided to give her strong-willed son more control over his life, and began giving him choices: “Red cup or blue cup?” To reduce her own discomfort, she child-proofed the house more thoroughly so that she could simply ignore him when he got involved in doing things around the house, telling herself that with each exploration he was increasing his IQ and independence. These changes made things easier, but Jonathan was still often difficult. Brooke decided to try to create more connection. She looked Jonathan in the eye as consciously and warmly as possible, and began giving him frequent, unsolicited hugs instead of just picking him up when he whimpered. Brooke sought to create a safe, playful connection by initiating rough-and-tumble play sessions with Jonathan, where they would roll around on the carpet, wrestle, and laugh. During these play sessions, she heard him giggle as his age-appropriate childish fears bubbled to the surface, and his flexibility grew a little more. Brooke, in turn, began to treat Jonathan’s body with more respect, letting him wash his own face and changing his “diapers” while he stood and played. As Jonathan became more friendly, Brooke realized that his physical aggression toward her was actually a clumsy attempt at communication. So she began to respond playfully, for example: “Are you trying to put your fingers in my nose again? No way! Okay, let’s play “nose fingers.” See if you can get closer… I ran away from you… Okay, my turn… Can I get my fingers closer to your nose? Oh, you’re so fast!” When he wanted to spit at her, she took him outside for a spitting contest, and once again turned his aggression into communication. Finally, when she needed to draw the line and Jonathan wouldn’t accept her comfort, Brooke reminded herself that he simply needed a chance to cry and held him sympathetically, rather than giving in to exasperation. Sometimes he would arch out of her arms, but within a few minutes he would climb into her lap and cling to her crying. After a month of her new approach, Brooke reported that Jonathan had transformed. “He’s still stubborn, but he seems happier now, and life has become much easier.” Brooke has learned to adapt to the unique needs of her stubborn, strong-willed child. Is it always that easy? No. Children can be difficult in many ways. But deepening our connection with our child always pays off, no matter how difficult the child or the situation.