The main question that runs through the minds of millions of parents every day can be summed up in one word...

Why?

Why do children evade? Why do they always delve into topics they shouldn't? Why do they do things they shouldn't? Why do they fight, squabble, rebel, argue, make a mess, and generally seem like their goal is to annoy parents?

Why do some children actually seem to (enjoy) getting into trouble?

A child evades for one reason: he has (unmet needs).

(But what needs?), Do my children have needs that I don't meet? (I feed them, clothe them, buy them toys, keep them warm and clean), that's what runs through your mind.

Well, there are some additional needs (and fortunately they are affordable) that go beyond the basics we mentioned. These mysterious needs are essential not only for the happiness of children, but for the continuation of life itself. Perhaps I can explain better if I tell you a story.

In 1945, World War II ended and Europe was in ruins. One of the humanitarian problems to be faced was the care of thousands of orphans who had lost their parents in the war, either through death or because of permanent separation as a result of the war.

Switzerland, which had managed to stay out of the war, sent a medical mission to help solve some of these problems. A doctor took on the task of finding the best way to care for infant orphans.

This doctor traveled all over Europe and saw many types of orphan care in order to test the most successful ones. During his tour, he saw many contradictions. In some places, American field hospitals provided children with steel beds in health wards where the children received their meals every four hours of infant formula from trained nurses in special uniforms.

On the other hand, in some remote mountain villages, he saw a truck carrying a number of children; and suddenly the driver stopped and asked: (Can you take care of these children?) Then he left half a dozen crying children for the villagers to take care of. There, the infants lived surrounded by children, dogs and goats in the arms of the rural women; they fed on goat milk in a haphazard life.

The Swiss doctor followed a simple method to compare the different methods of caring for children. He did not even need to weigh the children or look for smiles and eye contact. During those days when influenza and dysentery were spreading, the doctor resorted to the simplest statistical method, which was measuring the death rate among children.

However, what he found was a surprise. While epidemics were sweeping Europe and claiming the lives of many, the child who lived in primitive villages proved to be more efficient than his counterpart who received full health care in hospitals!

The doctor had discovered something that old women had discovered long ago. He discovered that children need (love) to continue living.

The children in the hospital were getting everything except love and stimulation. The children in the villages were getting more hugs and caresses and were exposed to many new things that they had never known. This, along with reasonable care for the child's basic needs, helped them to resist diseases.

Of course, the doctor did not use the word "love" (such words annoy scientists), but he divided the word into a number of requirements that made the word clear. The important things, he said, were:

- Intimate physical contact by two or three people close to the child.

- Gentle but active movement such as carrying the child and walking with him, rocking him on the knee and the like.

- Eye contact and smiling at the child and a lively, colorful environment.

- Sounds such as talking, nursery rhymes and the like.

It was a major discovery; it was the first scientific record stating that a child needs human contact and love (and not just food, warmth and cleanliness). If a child does not receive these human qualities, he may easily die.

This is the case with an infant; what about older children? Children?

An infant loves to be touched and pampered. So do young children, except that they have the ability to choose who will take on this task. Teenagers, on the other hand, are often shy about such demands, but they clearly admit to those in confidence that they crave such affection as much as anyone else. And of course, they seek special forms of affection with great vigour towards the end of their teenage years!

I once asked the 60 adult audience at a lecture to close their eyes and raise their hands if they were getting less affection in their daily lives than they would like to. The response was unanimous: everyone raised their hands. After a minute, everyone was glancing around and the room erupted in laughter. I concluded from this rigorous scientific study that adults need affection too!

Beyond physical touch, there are other ways to get good feelings from others. The most obvious of these is through words.

We all need to be noticed, to be noticed, and to hear genuine compliments. We like to be mentioned in conversations, to have our ideas heard, and to be admired.

A three-year-old puts this very directly: “Look at me.” Many rich people find little pleasure in checking their bank account unless someone is paying attention.

I often smile to myself when I think about how the adult world is essentially a three-year-old kid riding a bike.

D and shouts, "Look at me, Dad!" "Look at me, guys!" Not me, of course; I lecture and write books from the perspective of a mature, conscious person!

Here comes an interesting picture. We take care of our children's physical needs, but if that's all we do, they still lack other things. They also have psychological requirements, which are simple but essential. A child needs human stimulation. (That is, it's not enough to plant them in front of the TV screen.) They need to get a dose of talk on a daily basis with some affection and praise in order to feel happy. And when this happens fully and not briefly, as when parents talk to their children from behind a pile of ironing clothes, or from behind a newspaper. It doesn't take long!

Many of you reading this may have grown children or teenagers, and you may be wondering: (But the children have already acquired some bad habits to attract attention. How can I deal with this?)

Here's another story (about mice and humans)

A few years ago, psychologists wore white coats and dealt mainly with mice. (Now they wear traditional clothes and deal with little women, and things are starting to become clear!) Psychologists who deal with mice actually knew a lot more about behavior because they could do things with mice that you couldn't do with children. Read on; you'll see what I mean.

In one particular experiment, mice were placed in special cages with food, water, and a small lever. They ate, drank, and played, and then began to ask themselves the same question we ask ourselves - what is this lever used for? They pressed it (they’re like kids in that they want to try everything), and to their surprise, a small window opened inside the cage and showed a movie playing on the outside wall. It might have been a Mickey Mouse movie—I don’t know! The window quickly closed, and the rat had to press the lever again to continue watching the movie.

The rats were willing to work very hard to press the lever to continue watching the movie, which brings us to the first principle: intelligent animals like rats (and babies) like to do something interesting. It helps their brains grow.

The researchers then moved the rats to different cages with only food and water, no levers or windows. The rats were happy for a while, but then they started misbehaving! They started chewing on the walls, fighting, and pulling out their fur—they were generally bad rats! Which brings us to the second principle: intelligent creatures like mice (and children) will do anything to overcome boredom, including things we might call silly or destructive.

Finally, the researchers resorted to a truly disgusting experiment. They moved the mice into a cage with food, water, and a few electrical wires in the floor of the cage connected to batteries. From time to time, they administered electric shocks through the wires, enough for the little creatures to feel them but not to harm them (you can probably see why children can’t be subjected to such experiments).

Finally, the exciting moment came. The mice were taken out of the cages and given a choice of which cage they wanted to go to. Perhaps you, the reader, could guess the first, second, and so on? Here’s what I guessed:

- The cage with food, water, and movies.

- The cage with food and water.

- The cage with food, water, and unexpected electric shocks.

Did you guess? Well; The cage with the movies came first, and the second choice for the mice was actually interesting, as the mice preferred the cage with the electric shocks to the cage with nothing but food and water. Which brings us to the third principle, which is one that is very important for children: intelligent creatures like mice (and children), would rather have something bad happen to them than nothing at all.

In other words, any stimulation or stimulation is better than nothing, even if it hurts.

In child language, if they had to choose between ignoring, scolding, or even scolding, which do you think they would prefer? What would your children choose? Of course, if a child receives positive attention at least once or twice a day, neither of the above options will suit them.

I will conclude with another story, this time about children. You are smarter than children and mice, so you don’t need any explanation!

There was a young, wealthy couple with two sons; One was nine and the other eleven.

The children had a playroom downstairs with a table, a fridge full of soft drinks, a record player (video games hadn’t been around at the time, otherwise they would have had one too) and other such toys. Despite all this luxury, the children were constantly fighting, and the parents were embarrassed to have guests over for dinner. Finally, the parents took the children to a behavioral clinic to seek help from psychologists. The psychologists said to the parents, “Well, we’re basically experimenting on rats; however, we’re willing to follow your children where you live,” and so all the necessary arrangements were made. The parents found it a little strange, but they were keen to find a solution to this problem, since it was affecting their social life so much.

The team of psychologists arrived and settled around the house, carrying notebooks and a digital clock. It was at a party; So some of the researchers stayed upstairs (where the adults were) while others stayed with the children downstairs (where they sat quietly taking notes). At about four in the evening; the observers upstairs noticed the mother nodding to her husband and pointing downstairs while the observers downstairs noticed that the two children had finished playing with all the toys and had started to quarrel. The quarrel seemed unusual and violent; it was more like a scene on a stage, or some kind of dance. However, the noise it made was very similar to the sound of a quarrel!

Then the observers downstairs saw the father appear on the stairs after being asked to behave normally (it is not an easy task), and here the father began to reprimand his children for their shameful behavior. They noticed something unique that they had never seen in rats before. The two children were listening to their father shouting and accepting it with the utmost ease except for that little wicked smile that they had drawn on their faces, one of the expressions that has become common and which psychoanalysts call the “Mona Lisa smile.”

The child psychologists realized at this point that this half-smile was a secret message that meant, well, I'm supposed to feel guilty, and I'm trying to look remorseful, but - you know - I'm kind of enjoying it!

Probably none of the parents noticed this, and so the father's reaction always came unconsciously with the famous phrase (Don't smile when I'm talking to you!).

Meanwhile, when the children returned downstairs, they had gotten more attention from their father than they had all day and were doing their best not to look happy.

The analysts returned to their lab, prepared a detailed case report, met with the parents and told them what they had probably already guessed: (You are too busy with your social life, while the children need more attention. They love their father; at this age, the child is trying to learn how to be a man, and so they found the only way they could attract their father was to fight).

The analysts were right, but they didn't understand the parents very well. The parents' answer was: "What nonsense, how can children run to the river?" So you see that the parents don't know anything about rats and electric shocks, let alone the Mona Lisa's smile.

The parents took the children to a psychologist who analyzed their dreams for two years, and after his attempts failed, they took them to play golf; of course they were cured!

We can easily summarize the above as follows:

Children release all their energy in playing because they are bored.

Is there anything you can do to provide more stimulation for your children? Maybe you can take them to a park with a ball, or invite their friends to this outing. Or join them in group games, or bring them toys from the toy library. You can also keep a box containing some scraps and pieces of some imaginary games so that you and they don't feel like you are living in a prison.

Children expend all their energy in play because they feel rejected.

Can you spend a little time each day giving them undivided, positive attention and physical contact? Are you relaxed and happy enough to make them feel safe?

Children expend all their energy in play to get attention.