((In just one month, I’ve seen a huge change in my daughter. When I can avoid feeling upset and instead turn things into a game or a joke, while still enforcing the rules, she doesn’t have tantrums. She listens better when I say no, and she’s just happier and kinder. It’s all about me doing it right, so she does it too!)) Brian, mom of a 2-year-old

Parents often ask me what the most important rules are for raising amazing kids. It seems to me that the most important rules for raising amazing kids are the ones that apply to us, not our kids. We start with taking responsibility for ourselves, and end with communication as a final rule. Everything in between is about long-term training.

1. The most important parenting skill: Self-control. Take care of yourself so you don’t lash out at your child. Intervene before your emotions get out of hand. Keep your glass full. The more compassionate you are to yourself, the more love and compassion you’ll have for your child. Remember that your child will do everything you do, whether it’s yelling or making derogatory comments about your body.

2. The most important parenting commitment. Be your child’s advocate and don’t give up on him. You don’t yell at a flower that doesn’t bloom, you water it. Value your child for who she is and respond to what she needs, not what you think she should need. Every child deserves at least one person who will be there for them 110 percent. That doesn’t mean your child is always right. It just means that they’re always worth the extra effort, and that every seed of love you plant in your child makes a positive difference.

3. The most important parenting secret: Discipline doesn’t work, despite all the books written about it. Punishment almost always makes your child’s behavior worse. Avoiding it is the most important thing you can do to raise responsible, considerate children. Instead of punishing, give gentle guidance, set limits on behavior, but don’t forget to empathize with feelings, including those your child has about the limits you set. Both empathy and guidance/boundaries are essential, and neither works on its own.

4. What children need that no one tells you: A safe place to express feelings while you “listen.” If you want to raise a child who can control their behavior, they have to control the emotions that drive that behavior. And if you want a child who can control their emotions, they have to know that they have a safe place (your arms) to cry and lash out where no one will silence them. Laughter dissipates stress just as much as tears do, so playing with children is also a wonderful way to support them in expressing their fears and frustrations. Children who get help with their emotional turmoil when they are young learn to control their own feelings (and therefore their behavior) at an early age.

5. What your child wishes you knew: She’s just a child, and she’s trying her best. Expect age-appropriate behavior, not perfection, and keep your priorities clear Your child is taking shape before your eyes—she’s still growing, and she’ll outgrow most of her inappropriate behavior. Her messy room is much less important than how she treats her little brother.

6. The most important motto: Don’t take things personally. Whatever your child does, it’ll be easier for you to respond with understanding if you recognize when your trigger is being pulled. It’s not about you, it’s about your child, an immature human being who is trying his or her best to learn and grow, with your support. Develop a sense of humor. This will also help you avoid power struggles. No one wins in power struggles. Don’t insist that you’re right. Help her save face when she plays on your sensitive strings. Use this as an opportunity to explore that string so that she can no longer control you.

7. What to remember in tough times: All bad behavior stems from unmet basic needs. Meet their needs for sleep, nutrition, relaxation, cuddles, connection, fun, mastery, and security.

Let children know ahead of time what behavior you expect of them. Build “scaffolding” for them—teach them step by step—so they can master what is expected of them. Children want to be successful (if they can’t, it’s a relationship problem, not a behavior problem).

8. The best parenting expert? Your child. Let them tell you what they need, from infancy on. Listen with your heart. Be open to change and growth—and learn to enjoy the process.

9. The only constant? Change. What worked yesterday won’t work tomorrow. So your parenting style should evolve as your children evolve. It seems like everyone has that one child who teaches them everything they need to know.

10. What matters most: Stay connected and never withdraw your love, even for a moment. The deepest reason children cooperate is because they love you and want to please you. Protect your relationship with your child above all else. It is the only power you have to influence your child in any way and it is also what your child needs most. That closeness is what makes all the sacrifices of parenting worth it.