Suppressing our emotions is counterproductive. When we ignore or "repress" our emotions, we push them out of our awareness, consigning them to the unconscious, where they become uncontrollable. Unfortunately, this prevents us from regulating them, and they erupt, sometimes with disastrous consequences. Fortunately, we don't need to suppress our emotions to manage them. As we get older, we can use our words and stories (I'm in a bad mood today because I'm tired, so I'm overreacting) to regulate our feelings. Our logical mind makes us feel safe enough to experience these powerful emotions. When we allow ourselves to feel them, they pass through us and evaporate.

Children, also need to feel their emotions in order for them to dissipate and disappear. But because their logical brains are not fully developed, they can't use them to reinforce their sense of security. Instead, your child uses you. Your warm presence makes them feel safe enough to experience their tears and fears. If you're not there—or if they feel disconnected from you at that moment—they store those feelings in a metaphorical emotional bag, carrying them around. Until the child feels safe enough to empty the bag, they remain highly irritable and emotionally fragile, trying to keep its contents from spilling out. They can't access the inner resources they need to deal with the normal challenges of everyday life.

Unfortunately, your child usually can't tell you why they're upset. They haven't yet developed emotional skills, so they don't know how to ask for help. All they know is that they're feeling irritable and upset. Fortunately, this is a signal for you to take action, because when children feel bad, they misbehave, or "act out." You may have heard this term used to describe a child who is misbehaving. But we can also view misbehavior as an outburst of strong emotion that a child can't put into words. Therefore, all "bad behaviors" are a signal to us as parents that our child needs our help dealing with an emotion they can't process, an emotion that is driving them to misbehave.

Some signs that your child needs your help dealing with their emotions:

* They become stubborn, expressing a deep need that must be met. If you meet their demand, they immediately announce a new one.

* They seem generally irritable and unhappy, and you can't seem to make them happy no matter what you do.

* They sometimes look directly at you while breaking rules, indicating a loss of connection with you. (When children are gripped by strong negative emotions, they feel disconnected and alone.)

* They "revolt" into an emotional outburst, such as hitting someone or breaking something, which shows you that their feelings are overwhelming.

* They seem like a bottomless pit, or they repeatedly engage in the same bad behavior, and your love and attention don't seem to change the pattern.

How can you help your child deal with strong emotions? Since both tears and laughter help us release anxiety and emotions, help your child play when she can and cry when she needs to. In other words, regular doses of play—particularly play that addresses whatever developmental issue your child is facing—will help her navigate the normal fears and frustrations that accompany developmentally appropriate tasks. You can also respond playfully to (deviant) behavior that indicates a loss of connection. For example, when your child looks directly at you and breaks a simple rule, try grabbing them and teasing them with some rough and tumble play, playfully rekindling your connection. Shouldn't you tell them you're serious about the rule they just broke? They already know it. They broke it because of an unmet need or an overwhelming emotion that they need your help with. But before you can correct the behavior, you must connect with the person who caused it. Discipline will only diminish their sense of security. Playing creates a sense of security and releases the bonding hormone (oxytocin).

So if your child looks directly at you and spills his cereal, it's not because he thinks it belongs on Earth. Maybe he needs to connect with you. Maybe he feels ignored because you're always with his baby brother. Maybe he's worried about the field trip he's going on today or that fight you had with your husband last night. You don't really need to know what's driving his behavior; your first step should always be to reconnect. Exaggerate your outrage. ("What happened to the cereal?! Oh, no! This is terrible! Come here, you cereal spitter! I'll show you what happens to cereal spitters!"). Grab him, put him on your back, and run around the room. Then put him down near the cereal and kiss him on the tummy ten times. You'll know you're on the right track when you see the power of their laughter—the more they laugh, the more they release their anxiety about the issue. Often, this simple game alone will bring your child back to their usual bright side, ready to help you clean up the cereal.

However, at least occasionally, when your child sends a signal of sulking, misbehavior, or stubbornness, their emotions are so intense that they're either too late or too late, and you have no choice but to cry. But when we humans need to cry, we often fear those raw, fragile emotions. To stop them, we resort to violence. So when your child experiences emotions that truly frighten him, he tries not to feel them. Instead, he gets angry. He releases those emotions in the form of bad behavior. He's almost certainly "smarter than that" and wants to "behave," but he's caught in the grip of powerful emotions he doesn't understand, driven to misbehave, and simply feels like a bad person. His misbehavior is a cry for help.

What kind of help does he need? He needs his anger accepted with compassion, so he can get past it and get to the tears and fears underneath. He needs to show you how hurt he is, to know that you listen to his suffering. Yes, he will get through these feelings, but first he needs to know that he is not to blame for feeling this way. With this anger, he needs your loving attention to experience all the fear, disappointment, or sadness that lies beneath the anger, so he can move past it.